The Princess Bride: NaruSaku Style
by The Fox Bandit
Summary: Not just your basic, average, everyday, ordinary, run-of-the-mill, ho-hum fairy tale. A tale of true love and high adventure.
1. Prologue

The Princess Bride

-NaruSaku style.

Based on the original screenplay by William Goldman and movie directed by Rob Reiner

subs(This story is only to pay homage to one of my absolute favorite stories and my favorite pairing. No harm is meant.)sub/s

Prologue

iThe young girl was sick, dreadfully sick. The worst sickness she'd ever had. Sure she would live. Her sickness wasn't life-threatening; more annoying than anything. She was bored. Her mother wouldn't let her do anything, much less get out of bed. All her food was brought to her on a tray, and all she had to look forward to was her favorite program on TV that unfortunately didn't come on till later that night. Her father had come to visit her in her room periodically to see if she was feeling any better, but after nearly three days she wasn't showing much improvement. On the fourth day, her father came in holding a book.

"Feeling any better, darling?" he asked.

"Not really," answered the bedridden blonde. "What do you have their, Daddy?"

"Well, I found this book and it looked like something you might like," he said, showing her the beautifully bound book. "I know you've been really bored lately, so I thought maybe this would pass the time quickly. I would let you read it, since I'm not to fond of reading, but since your throat hurts and all…/i

"The Princess Bride?" ishe asked. "Looks boring."

"Let's give it a shot," said her father, sitting down in the chair beside her bed.

The girl shrugged. "Ok."

Her father opened the book and cleared his throat.

"Chapter One, The Bride…"/i

Ch. 1: The Bride

Sakura was raised on a small farm in the country of Konoha. By the time she was fifteen, Sakura knew nothing of being the most beautiful woman in all the world. And if she had, she would have found it totally unfathomable. How could someone care if she were the most beautiful woman? What difference could it have made to her if she was the sixth or the third. She hated to wash her face, the area behind her ears and loathed combing her long hair and did so as little as possible. Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy who worked on her farm. His name was Naruto, but she never called him that. The horse's name was "Horse" and it came when she called it, went where she steered it, did what she told it. The farm boy did what she told him too. Actually, he was more of a young man now, but he had been a farm boy when, orphaned, he had come to work for her father, and Sakura referred to him that way still.

"Farm Boy, fetch me this"; "Get me that, Farm Boy-quickly, lazy thing, trot now or I'll tell Father."

"As you wish."

That was all he ever answered. "As you wish." Fetch that, Farm Boy. "As you wish." Dry this, Farm Boy. "As you wish." He lived in a hovel out near the animals, and according to Sakura's mother, he kept it clean. He even read when he had candles.

One day, Sakura approached the farm boy.

"Farm Boy, fill these with water," she said. He stared at her a moment. "Please?"

"As you wish," he finally said, smiling. Sakura turned away. That day she was amazed to discover that when he said 'As you wish', what he meant was, 'I love you'. And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.

One day while kneading dough for some bread, the farm boy brought in her firewood for the day. Sakura watched him as he did so, noticing how his messy blonde hair blew in the wind and his blue eyes sparkled in the sunlight. Just before he walked out the door, she called out to him.

"Farm Boy." He turned to her and just watched her. Sakura looked around for anything that he could get for her. Her eyes spotted the pitcher just above her head. "Fetch me that pitcher."

Naruto walked up to her slowly, staring directly into her eyes.

"As you wish," he all but whispered, taking the down the pitcher and handing it to her.

Sakura smiled.

By sunset, they were in each other's arms.

A few days later, Naruto approached Sakura with the news that he was leaving. You see, Naruto had no money for marriage, so he packed a few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Sakura.

"I fear I'll never see you again," she said, trying very hard not to cry.

"Of course you will," said Naruto, smiling and wiping a tear from her cheek with his finger.

"But what if something happens to you?" she asked.

"Here this now: I will always come for you," he said with conviction. Sakura couldn't help but doubt a little.

"But how can you be sure?" she said.

"This is True Love. You think this happens every day?" Naruto kissed her passionately and hugged her. He then grabbed his bags, and with one last look at Sakura, Naruto set off.

Naruto didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Sakura got the news that Naruto was murdered, she went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate. She never cried, but promised herself one thing.

"I will never love again."


	2. Kidnapped

The Princess Bride

NaruSaku Style

Ch. 2: Kidnapped

Five years later, the square of Konoha was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Sasuke's bride-to-be.

"My people, a month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves." Sasuke stared out at the crowd, smiling. "But perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?"

The crowd cheered in response.

"My people, the Princess Sakura!" he cried, gesturing toward an opening in the wall. Sakura entered through the opening, looking very much like the most beautiful woman in the world. She was dressed in an ornate gown and an equally ornate crown graced her pink hair.

But Sakura's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Sasuke the right to choose his bride, she did not love him. Despite Sasuke's reassurances that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride. While she was riding, Sakura came across three of the strangest men she'd ever seen: a young man with a very bored look on his face, another who had a sword strapped to his side and a large dog beside him, and the other was abnormally large. The bored one spoke first.

"A word, my lady." He said. Sakura pulled her horse to a stop and looked at him. "We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?"

"There is nothing nearby," said Sakura, confused. "Not for miles."

"Then there will be no one to hear you scream," said the man, nodding toward the larger one. The big one came up to Sakura and before she could finish her scream, touched a place on her neck that rendered her unconscious. He lifted the princess and carried her towards a boat that the swordsman and his dog boarded. The other was ripping up pieces of a uniform and attaching it to the saddle on Sakura's horse.

"What is that you are ripping, Sai?" asked the one with the sword.

"It's fabric from the uniform of an army officer in Suna," answered the one called Sai.

"Who's Suna?" asked the big one, laying the Princess down.

"It's the country across the sea, the sworn enemy of Konoha." Sai slapped the horse's flanks. "Go."

Sai boarded the boat and began to explain. "Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect that the people of Suna have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Suna frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed."

Chouji looked up, confused. "You never said anything about killing anyone."

Sai looked at him and grinned. "I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition."

"I just don't think it's right," said Chouji. "Killing an innocent girl."

"Am I going mad, or did the word "THINK" escape your lips?" cried Sai. "YOU WERE NOT HIRED FOR YOUR BRAINS YOU HIPPOPOTAMIC LANDMASS!"

"I agree with Chouji," said Shikamaru in passing.

"OH THE SOT HAS SPOKEN! WHAT HAPPENS TO HER IS NOT TRULY YOUR CONCERN! I WILL KILL HER AND, REMEMBER THIS, NEVER FORGET THIS: WHEN I FOUND YOU, YOU WERE SO SLOBBERING DRUNK, YOU COULDN'T BUY BRANDY!" Sai turned to Chouji. "AND YOU! FRIENDLESS, BRAINLESS, HOPELESS! DO YOU WANT ME TO SEND YOU BACK WHERE YOU WERE, UNEMPLOYED, IN GREENLAND?"

Chouji said nothing and stared at him. Shikamaru came up to him and said, "That Sai…he can ifuss/i."

Chouji smiled. "Fuss, fuss….I think he likes to scream…at us!"

"Probably he means no harm."

"He's really very short on…charm."

"You have a great gift for rhyme," said Shikamaru smiling.

"Yes, yes, some of the time," answered Chouji.

"Enough of that!" barked Sai.

"Chouji! Are there rocks ahead!" cried Shikamaru.

"If there are, we all be dead!" answered Chouji just as loudly.

"No more rhymes now, I mean it."

There was a pause.

"Anybody want a peanut?" asked Chouji. Sai hollered in frustration.

Later that night, found the unusual party out in the middle of the ocean, on their way to the Cliffs of Insanity. Shikamaru sat at the back, while Chouji stood beside Sakura. Sai was peeling an apple.

"We'll reach the cliffs by dawn," he said. He glanced at Shikamaru, who had been constantly looking behind them. "Why are you doing that?"

"Are you sure nobody's following us?" asked Shikamaru.

Sai scoffed. "That would be inconceivable."

"Despite what you may think, you will be caught," said Sakura, speaking for the first time since she woke up. "And when you are, the Prince will see you all hanged."

"Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own," hissed Sai. He looked toward Shikamaru again. "Stop doing that! We can relax, it's almost over!"

"You sure nobody's is following us?" asked Shikamaru again.

"As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable. No one in Suna knows what we've done, and no one in Konoha could've gotten here so fast." Sai went back to his apple, but paused before taking a bite. "Out of curiosity, why do you ask?"

"No reason," said Shikamaru. "Suddenly, I just happen to look behind us and something is there."

Sai got up quickly and walked up to the back of the ship to stand beside Shikamaru. He looked out and saw a small skiff chasing after them. He scoffed uncertainly.

"Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night…through eel-infested waters."

Suddenly, there was a splash. Sakura had jumped into the water in an attempt to escape.


	3. The Man in Black

The Princess Bride

NaruSaku Style

Ch. 3: The Man in Black

Suddenly, a splash was heard. Sakura had jumped into the water in an attempt to escape.

Sai ran to the side. "Go in! Get after her!" he yelled at Shikamaru. He received a shrug.

"I don't swim," said Shikamaru. Sai looked to Chouji.

"I only dog paddle," said the giant.

Sai clutched his head in frustrations. Shikamaru grabbed the steering shaft while Sai yelled at him. "DYEAH! VEER LEFT! VEER LEFT! LEFT! LEFT!"

Sakura swam out farther from the boat as the three struggled after her. As she swam, she heard a blood-curdling shriek and stopped swimming in fear. Sai smiled when he realized what had happened.

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUND IS, HIGHNESS?" He called out to her. "THOSE ARE THE SHREIKING EELS. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, JUST WAIT! THEY ALWAYS GROW LOUDER WHEN THEY'RE ABOUT TO FEED ON HUMAN FLESH!" Sai laughed. Sakura looked around. The shrieking was indeed growing louder and she felt something wet and slimy graze her arm. A long snake like eel was swimming beside her. To say she was scared would be an understatement.

"IF YOU SWIM BACK NOW, I PROMISE NO HARM WILL COME TO YOU. I DOUBT YOU WILL GET SUCH AN OFFER FROM THE EELS!" laughed Sai. Sakura couldn't move. Suddenly the eel began to charge toward her and….

i"The eel does not eat her at this time," said the father.

"What?" asked the sick young girl, staring at her father with a confused look.

"The eel doesn't get her," said the father. "Now, I'm explaining to you because you look nervous."

"I wasn't nervous," said the girl. She sighed. "Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned, but that's not the same thing."

The father gave her a skeptical look. "We can stop now if you'd like," he said, closing the book and getting up. The girl grabbed his arm before he got to far.

"No, you can read a little bit more, if you want," she said. The father smiled and sat back down.

"Anyway… /i"Do you know what that sound is Highness? Those are the shrieking eels…"i

"We passed that already Daddy," said the daughter.

"Oh we did, I'm sorry," he said. "Let's see. She was in the water, the eel was comin' after her, she was frightened, the eel started charging her, and then…."/i

A large hand wacked the eel's head into the water and Sakura felt herself lifted up and brought back into the boat.

"Put her down, just put her down!" cried Sai, coming in front of her as Chouji sat her down on a large circle of rope. All the while, Shikamaru was keeping an eye on the boat that had been following them this whole time.

"I think he's getting closer," he said.

"He's no concern of ours! Sail on!" barked Sai. He turned to Sakura. "I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?" he asked as he tied her hands.

"Only compared to some," she answered, and spoke no more.

The next morning the huge Cliffs of Insanity came into view. Shikamaru was steering the boat in their direction when he looked back. The other boat was closer to them now.

"Look, he's right on top of us!" cried Shikamaru. Chouji looked out.

"I wonder if he's using the same wind we are using," he said. Shikamaru shrugged.

"Whoever he is, he's too late!" barked Sai. He pointed to the cliffs. "See? The Cliffs of Insanity!" He ran around pointing at different things for Chouji to do. "Move the thing! And that other thing! Move it!"

While the odd crew worked the boat, Sakura looked out at the boat that was following them. She hoped it was someone from the palace, or the Prince himself. Though she did not want to be with him, anything was better than being killed by these three buffoons. The boat shuddered as it hit land. The four got out of the boat and went to a rope that was hanging down from the top of the cliffs.

"We're safe," said Sai happily. "Only Chouji is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours till he finds a harbor."

Chouji put on a harness and Buttercup was helped into one of the seat likes straps. The other two did the same and with a lurch, Chouji climbed the rope. Sakura closed her eyes and clutched Chouji hard. Shikamaru looked down. There was a man in black climbing the rope right behind them and gaining.

"He's climbing the rope!" he said, surprised. "And he's gaining on us!"

"Inconceivable," muttered Sai in disbelief. He turned to Chouji. "Faster!"

"I thought I was going faster," said Chouji in a surprisingly calm voice.

"You were supposed to be this Colossus, you were this great legendary thing, and yet he gains!" hollered Sai in frustration.

"Well, I'm carrying three people, and he's got only himself," defended Chouji.

"I do not except excuses!" barked Sai. "I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all!"

"Don't say that Sai. Please," said Chouji in an exasperated voice. Chouji tried his best to go faster, but to no avail.

"Did I make it clear that your job is at stake!" growled Sai.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the group reached the top. Shikamaru climbed out of the harness first and helped Sakura up. He then pulled Sai out, who preceded to cut the rope so that the man in black would fall to his doom. When Chouji was safe from falling, Sai let the rope go. They listened for a scream, a splash, anything.

They heard nothing.

Chouji, Shikamaru and Sai looked over the edge. The Man in Black had clung to the cliffs.

"He's got very good arms," said Chouji.

"He didn't fall! Inconceivable!" cried Sai in outrage. Shikamaru looked at him.

"You keep using that word," he said. "I do not think it means what you think it means." Sai glared at Shikamaru. Shikamaru shrugged and looked down. "My god, he's climbing!"

"Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the Princess and must therefore die," said Sai cockily. He pointed to Chouji. "You, carry her." Then he turned to Shikamaru. "We'll head straight for the Suna frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword."

Sai and Chouji, who was carrying Sakura, started towards the field. Shikamaru stopped them.

"I'm going to duel him left-handed," he said. Sai gave a frustrated sigh.

"You know what a hurry we're in," he cried. Shikamaru shrugged. It was troublesome, but he was getting paid.

"It's the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, over too quickly."

"Have it your way," said Sai in an exasperated tone. He grabbed his bag and started off towards the fields. Chouji grabbed Shikamaru's arm.

"You be careful," he said. "People in masks cannot be trusted."

"I'm waiting!" cried Sai, tapping his foot. Chouji situated Sakura and followed after Sai.


	4. The Chatty Duelist

The Princess Bride

NaruSaku Style

Chapter 4: The Chatty Duelists

Shikamaru paced on the edge of the cliffs. This was all so troublesome. He hated waiting. He looked over the edge to see the man in black beginning to climb the cliffs, albeit slowly.

"Hello there," he called. "Slow going?"

The man in black looked up at him. "Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me," he said, and continued struggling to climb.

"Sorry," said Shikamaru and backed away.

"Thank you," said the man. Shikamaru began to practice some sword play, but soon got bored. He glanced over the side again. The man in black was still climbing.

"I do not suppose you could speed things up?" he asked. The man in black sighed.

"If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope, or a tree branch, or find something useful to do," said the Man.

"I could do that," said Shikamaru, smiling. "I still got some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I'm only waiting around her to kill you."

The Man in black shrugged as best as he could. "That does put a damper on our relationship," he said. Shikamaru snapped his fingers.

"But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top," he said.

"That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait," grunted the man in black, managing to pull himself up a little more. Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

"I hate waiting," he murmured and began to walk off. Then he got an idea. "I could give you my word as a swordsman?" he suggested.

"No good," said the man, digging his hand into a crevice for a better grip. "I've known too many swordsmen."

Shikamaru sighed. "Is there not anyway you will trust me?" he asked.

"Nothing comes to mind," said the man in black.

Then Shikamaru said calmly, "I swear, on the soul of my father, you will reach the top alive."

The man in black looked up at him. "Throw me the rope." Shikamaru did so with pleasure. The man in black climbed the rope easily. Shikamaru helped him over the edge.

"Thank you," said the man, pulling his sword out of its sheath. Shikamaru stopped him before he managed to bring it all the way out.

"We'll wait until you're ready," he said. The man in black replaced his sword.

"Again, thank you," he said. He sat down on a rock and proceeded to take off his boot. He turned it upside down and let quite a few pebbles fall out of it. As the man did this, Shikamaru asked, "I do not mean to pry, but do you by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?"

The man in black stopped pulling on his boot and stared at Shikamaru.

"Do you always begin your conversations this way?" he asked, confused.

Shikamaru shook his head. "My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man. He was a great sword maker, my father. When the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved for a year before it was done." Shikamaru pulled the very sword from his sheath and handed it to the man in black. The man took it and looked it over.

"I've never seen it's equal," he said, handing the sword back to Shikamaru.

"The six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at one-tenth the promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the six-fingered man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father, so naturally I challenged his murderer to a duel. I failed. The six-fingered man left me alive, but he gave me this." Shikamaru showed the man to two thin white scars on both sides of his face.

"How old were you," asked the Man in Black.

"I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing, so the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the six-fingered man and say, 'Hello. My name is Shikamaru Nara. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'"

The man in black nodded. "You've done nothing but study swordplay?"

Shikamaru shrugged. "More of a pursuit than a study, lately. You see, I cannot find him. It has been twenty years now and I am starting to lose confidence. I just work for Sai to pay the bills. It's not a lot of money in revenge."

The man in black sighed. "Well I certainly hope you find him some day," he said, getting up and unsheathing his sword. Shikamaru sat up.

"You are ready then?" he asked. The man in black shrugged.

"Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair," he said and he got into his stance.

"You seem a decent fellow," said Shikamaru, standing across from him in a similar stance. "I hate to kill you."

"You seem a decent fellow," countered the man in black. "I hate to die."

"Begin!" shouted Shikamaru and he thrusted his sword forward. The man in black dodged and stabbed toward Shikamaru, who dodged as well. The two circled each other. The battle ensued.

"You are using Bonetti's defense against me, huh?" asked Shikamaru, swiping at the man in black, who was dodging and jumping and parrying all over the place.

"I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain," said the man in black.

"Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro," said Shikamaru.

"Naturally," answered the man in black, smiling. "But I find that Thibault cancels Capo Ferro, don't you?"

The man in black knocked the sword out of Shikamaru's hand. Shikamaru back up a bit and caught the sword and continued fighting.

"Unless the enemy hasn't studied his Agrippa," said Shikamaru, parrying another thrust and lunging forward. "Which I have."

The man in black quickly gained an advantage though, and soon Shikamaru was teetering on the edge of the cliffs.

"You are wonderful," he said.

"Thank you," said the man in black. "I've worked hard to become so."

"I admit it, you are better than I am," said Shikamaru, smiling.

"Than why are you smiling?" asked the man in black, confused.

"Cause I know something you, don't know."

"And what is that?"

"I am not left-handed!" cried Shikamaru, he pushed the man in black away and switched the sword to his right hand. Shikamaru regained his early advantage and forced the man in black up a bunch of rocks that formed sort of stairs.

"You are amazing!" cried the man in black.

"I oughta be after twenty years," said Shikamaru, pushing the man in black up against a wall. Some boulders fell off the side while the man fought back. Now was as good a time as any.

"There is something I oughta tell you," grunted the man.

"Tell me," said Shikamaru, still pushing.

The man in black smiled. "I am not left-handed either." The man in black pushed Shikamaru away and tossed the sword in his right hand. His advantage was regained as well.

"Who are you?" asked Shikamaru as he watched the man in black flip away from his sword.

"No one of consequence," said the man in black smoothly.

"I must know," said Shikamaru, shaking his head.

"Get used to disappointment," was the answer.

Shikamaru shrugged. "Okay."

A few more minutes of fighting and Shikamaru was beginning to tire. The man in black was still going. Finally, Shikamaru felt a swish of wind as the man's sword skimmed the side of his face, and with the distraction, his sword was knocked out of his hands. Shikamaru knew he had been beaten. He knelt on the ground and stared at the sky. He had failed.

"Kill me quickly," he told the man in black.

"I would soon as destroy a stained-glass window than an artist like yourself," said the man in black, circling Shikamaru. "However, since I can't have you following me either…" and with a whack, the man in black knocked Shikamaru out cold. He bowed. "Please understand that I hold you in the highest respect."

And with that, the man in black ran off to catch up with the other two men and the princess.


	5. Sportsmanlike

The Princess Bride

NaruSaku style

Chapter 5: Sportsmanlike

Halfway up a hill covered in boulders, Sai looked up to see the man in black running up towards them. He couldn't believe it.

"Iconceivable!" he cried. He turned to Chouji. "Here! Give her to me! Catch up to us quickly." He took Sakura by the hand and started back up the hill. Chouji called after him.

"What do I do?" he asked. Sai growled in frustration.

"Finish him, finish him! Your way!" he cried and started off again.

"Oh good, my way. Thank you Sai," said Chouji, smiling. He thought for a moment and put his hands on his hips. "Which way's my way?"

Sai groaned. He stomped back down to Chouji and pointed at a large rock.

"Pick up one of those rocks, get behind the boulder," he said. "In a few minutes, the man in black will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, HIT IT WITH THE ROCK!" And with that, Sai ran off with the Princess in tow.

"My way's not very sportsmanlike," said Chouji, but he shrugged and did what he was told. And just as Sai said, within a few minutes, the Man in Black rounded the bend. He stopped and looked around suspiciously. He jumped as a large boulder went flying past his head and hit another, disintegrating. He pulled his sword out and looked in the direction of which it came. The biggest human being he had ever seen was standing there, a rock just as big as the one thrown in his hand.

"I did that on purpose," said Chouji. "I didn't have to miss."

The man in black gulped. "I believe you," he said. "So what happens now?"

Chouji smiled. "We face each other as God intended," he answered. "No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone."

"You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?" asked the man in black uncertainly.

"I could kill you now," said Chouji, lifting the rock. The man in black stopped him and put down his sword.

"Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting," he said.

Chouji shrugged. "It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest," he said. "I don't even exercise." And with that, the man in black lunged toward Chouji. It felt like he'd hit a brick wall. Chouji didn't even budge. The man charged him again and wrapped his arms around Chouji's middle intending to throw him down, but it was a failed attempt. The man in black backed up.

"Look, are you just fiddling with me or what?" he asked, frustrated.

"I just want you to feel you are doing well," said Chouji. "I hate for people to die embarrassed." Chouji swiped at the man in black, who dodged by ducking in between Chouji's legs. He climbed on a rock and jumped on Chouji's back, putting the giant into a sleeper hold.

"You're quick," gasped Chouji.

"And a good thing too," said the man, gripping Chouji's neck with all his might.

"Why are you wearing a mask?" asked Chouji. "Were you burned by acid or something like that?"

"Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone'll be wearing one in the future," said the man in black, holding on to Chouji as the giant slammed him against the rocks in attempts to get him off.

"I just figured why you give me so much trouble," said Chouji.

"Why's that, do you think?" asked the man, curious.

"Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long," grunted Chouji, slamming the man against the rock again. "I've been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for local charities, that kind of thing."

The man in black grunted as the giant continued to slam him against the rocks. He was really growing tired of this. He strengthened his hold.

"Why should that make such a difference?" asked the man in a strained voice.

"Well, you see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have…to be….worried….about one….." Chouji was unable to finish his sentence as he fell the ground unconscious.

The man in black rolled him over and stared at him.

"I do not envy the headache you will have when you awake," he said. "But, in the meantime, rest well, and dream of large women." And with that, the man ran off to catch up with the final man.


	6. Battle of Wits

The Princess Bride

NaruSaku Style

Chapter 6: Battle of Wits

Prince Sasuke followed the scuff marks on top of the Cliffs of Insanity. He twisted and turned and followed them to the edge and back. The Count and the rest of the prince's army watched as he did this.

"There was a mighty duel," he said, looking around. "It ranged all over. They were both masters." The Count, whose name was Orochimaru, watched him.

"Who won?" he asked. "How did it end?"

"The loser ran off alone," said Sasuke, pointing in one direction. He turned to the other. " And the winner followed those footprints…towards Suna."

"Shall we track them both?" asked the Count with a smile.

Sasuke turned to him. "The loser is nothing. Only the Princess matters." He turned to his troops. "Clearly this was all planned by the warriors of Suna. We must be ready for whatever lies ahead!"

"Could this be a trap?" asked the Count.

"I always think everything could be a trap," said Sasuke. "which is why I'm still alive."

And with that, the group rode off in the direction the Man in Black took.

The man in black ran up a hill to find Sai seated at a rock that held two goblets and some bread. Sai picked up the chunk of bread and bit down on it. Sakura sat beside him, her hands bound and a blindfold wrapped around her head. Sai held a dagger to her throat.

"So it is down to you, and it is down to me," he said. The man in black took a few steps forward.

"If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward," said Sai. The man stopped.

"Let me explain," he said, inching forward. Sai scoffed.

"There's nothing to explain," he said. "You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen."

"Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?" asked the man in black, coming slowly forward.

"There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her," said Sai. He dug the tip of the dagger into Sakura's neck. She winced. The man in black stopped.

"Well if there can be no arrangement, than we are at an impasse," said the man in black. Sai nodded.

"I'm afraid so," he said, smiling. "I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains."

"You're that smart?" asked the man in black, cocking an eyebrow.

"Let's put it this way," said Sai. "Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?"

"Yes," said the man in black.

"Morons."

"Really," said the man in black, surprised. "In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits."

"For the Princess?" asked Sai, gesturing to Sakura. The man in black nodded.

"To the death?"

Another nod.

"I accept," said Sai.

"Good. Then poor the wine!" said the man in black, sitting opposite Sai. Sai did as he was told. When the wine was poured the man in black pulled out a small vial and uncorked it. He handed it to Sai.

"Inhale this but do not touch," he warned. Sai took the vial and sniffed it.

"I smell nothing," he said, and handed it back to the man.

"What you do not smell is iocane powder," explained the man in black. "It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves quickly in liquid and is among the more deadly poisons known to man."

"Hmmm."

The man in black turned away from Sai with both goblets in hand. When he turned around, the vial of Iocane was emty and the two goblets looked no different. The man replaced the goblets on the table, one in front of each of them.

"All right," he said, sitting back. "Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right….and who is dead."

Sai snickered and reseathed his dagger. The princess listened intently.

"But it's so simple," began Sai. "All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."

"You've made your decision then?" asked the man in black.

"Not remotely," said Sai, grinning. "Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

"Truly you have a dizzying intellect," said the man, nodding.

"Wait till I get going!" cried Sai. "Where was I?"

"Australia."

"Yes, Australia," said Sai. "And you must have suspected that I would have known of the the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."

The man in black was getting visibly nervous.

"You're just stalling now," he said.

"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!" exclaimed Sai.

"You're trying to trick me into giving away something," said the man in black. "It won't work."

"IT HAS WORKED!" cried Sai. "YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON IS!"

"Then make your choice," barked the man in black.

"I will! And I choose….what in the world could that be?" said Sai, pointing behind the man in black. The man looked behind him. Sai took the opportunity to switch their goblets.

"What? Where? I don't see anything," said the man, turning back to face Sai.

"Well, I could have sworn I saw something," said Sai. He giggled. "No matter."

"What's so funny?" asked the man in black.

"I'll tell you in a minute," said Sai, still giggling. "First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours."

The two men drank from their goblet. The man in black grinned when they finished.

"You guessed wrong," he said.

Sai laughed boisterously. "You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a genius when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha-" and all of the sudden, Sai fell over, dead.


	7. The Dread Pirate

The Princess Bride

NaruSaku style

Chapter 7: The Dread Pirate Roberts

The man in black went to Sakura and untied her hands.

"Who are you?" she asked as he pulled the blindfold away from her eyes.

"I am no one to be trifled with," he said in a harsh tone. "That is all you ever need know."

Sakura looked over at her dead captor. "And to think," she though aloud. "All that time it was your cup that was poisoned. The man in black pulled her to her feet.

"They were both poisoned," he said. "I spent the last few years building up immunity to Iocane powder." And with that, the man in black lead the princess away.

Not far away, the Prince was inspecting the very same stretch of rocks that the man in black had fought Chouji near. He looked around.

"Someone has beaten a giant," said Sasuke. "There will be great suffering in Suna if my princess dies."

Along a grassy ridge, the man in black tossed Sakura aside.

"Catch your breath," he said. Sakura glared at him.

"If you release me," she said. "Whatever you ask for ransom, you'll get it, I promise you."

The man lauged. "And what is it worth the promise of a woman?" he asked in a humored tone.

"I was giving you a chance! It does not matter where you take me!" barked Sakura, standing up. "There is no greater hunter than Prince Sasuke. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day. He will find you!"

The man in black only looked at her.

"You think your dearest love will save you?" he asked. Sakura grew steadily more furious.

"I never said he was dearest love!" she cried. "And, yes, he will save me, that I know!" Sakura glared at the man. What did he know of her dearest love? She felt a pang of agony at the thought of him.

"You admit that you do not love your fiancé," said the man in black.

"He knows I do not love him," said Sakura, folding her arms.

"Are not capable of love is what you mean," muttered the man in black. But she heard him. Angry, she went towards him.

"I have loved more deeply than a killer like you could ever dream!" she yelled. The man in black glared and went to slap her in the face, but caught himself. She flinched away. He put his hand down.

"That was a warning, Highness," he said. "The next time my hand flies on its own, for where I come from, there are penalties when a woman lies." And with that, he grabbed her hand and resumed running.

Back at the table where Sai lay, Prince Sasuke sniffed the vial left behind by the man in black.

"Iocane," he said. "I'd bet my life on it."

He got back on his horse and turned to the Count.

"And there are the princess's footprints," he barked. "She's alive, or was an hour ago. If she is otherwise when I found her, I shall be very put out." Again they set off in the direction the Princess and the man in black headed.

The man in black and the princess came to a particularly grassy hilltop with a steep side that would land them in a ravine if they fell. The man tossed Sakura aside again and watched her.

"Rest, Highness," he said. Sakura gasped for air. She was exhausted, but that didn't stop her. She glared at the man.

"I know who you are," she hissed. "Your cruelty reveals everything. You're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it!"

The man in black smiled.

"With pride," he said, bowing. "What can I do for you?"

"You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces," she growled. The pirate clicked his tongue.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, that's hardly complimentary, your Highness," he said. "Why loose your venom on me?"

"You killed my love," she growled.

The pirate nodded. "It's possible. I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another prince like this one, ugly, rich, and scabby?"

Sakura continued to glare at him, furious with his confident air.

"No," she hissed. "A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect. With eyes like the sea after a storm." She looked off into the distance for a moment, remembering her sweet Naruto's face. She turned back to the pirate. "On the high seas, your ship attacked. And the dread pirate Roberts never leaves prisoners!"

Roberts plopped down across from her and raised his arms lazely. "I can't afford to make exceptions," he said. "I mean once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you and it's nothing but work, work, work all the time."

Sakura stood up. "You mock my pain!"

"Life is pain, Highness!" barked the pirate. "Anyone who says any different is sailing something!" He got up from his seat and walked towards her, thinking. "I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This would be what, five years ago?" He looked at her. "Does it bother you to hear?"

"Nothing you say could upset me," she said, looking away.

"He died well," began the pirate. "That should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said 'Please….please I need to live.' It was the 'please' that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important for him here. 'True love', he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness. I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him, before he found out who you really are."

Sakura got in his face, angry. "And what am I?"

"Faithfulness he talked of, Madame, your enduring faithfulness!" the pirate retaliated. "Now tell me truly, when you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your prince that same hour, or did you wait a whole weak out of respect for the dead!"

Sakura's fury was unmatched. "You mocked me once! Never do it again! I died that day!"

The dread pirate Roberts glared at her, but heard a herd of horses galloping toward them. He looked to see the prince and his men coming closer to them. Sakura used this distraction.

"And you can die too for all I care!" she hissed, and pushed him down the steep hill into the ravine.

And as he rolled haphazardly down the hill and landed crumpled at the bottom, Sakura heard something she thought she would never hear again.

"As you wish."


	8. Naruto Returns

The Princess Bride

NaruSaku Style

Chapter 8: Naruto Returns

"And you can die too for all I care!" she hissed, and pushed him down the steep hill into the ravine.

And as he rolled haphazardly down the hill and landed crumpled at the bottom, Sakura heard something she thought she would never hear again.

"As you wish."

"Oh my sweet Naruto, what have I done?" she gasped, and flung herself down the hill.

The Prince and his soldiers reached the hill top and watched as the man in black and Sakura fell into the ravine. His irritation was very apparent.

"He disappeared. He must have seen us closing in," said Sasuke. "It might account for his panicking into error. Unless I am wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed straight for The Fire Swamp."

As Naruto rolled, grunting, down the hill, he lost his mask. His wild blonde hair had grown longer, long enough to wear in a small ponytail, but his blue eyes were the same. And he was most certainly not dead. When he landed in a crumpled heap at the bottom, he called out to Sakura, "As you wish." He would do whatever she asked of him, and if it was to die, then so be it. What he hadn't planned on was Sakura throwing herself down the hill after him.

When she landed beside him, Naruto picked himself up as best as he could and went to her. He brushed her pink hair out of her eyes. Now that his disguise was no more and he knew that she had never really betrayed him, he gave her the most affectionate look he could muster.

"Are you hurt at all?" he asked quietly. Sakura stared up at him in disbelief.

"Move? You're alive!" she said. "If you want I can fly." Naruto smiled.

"I told you I would always come for you," he said gently. "Why didn't you wait for me?"

"Well, you were dead," she answered. Or so she had been told.

"Death cannot stop true love," said Naruto, smiling gently. "All it can do is delay it for a while."

Sakura stared into his deep blue eyes, and with conviction, she said, "I will never doubt again."

Naruto gently stroked her face. He smiled.

"There will never be a need," he crooned and kissed her deeply.

"iAw, really?"

"What is it?" asked the young girl's father, looking up from the book. "What's the matter?"

"They're kissing again," she said. "Do we have to hear the kissing part? Skip to the Fire Swamp. That sounded good."

The father shook his head. "Someday you might not mind so much," he said. "But you're sick, I'll humor you. So now…where were we?/i' Naruto and Sakura raced along the ravine floor.'

Naruto took Sakura's hand and pulled her towards the Fire Swamp. The trees were dark, gloomy and oppressing. Naruto looked up before they entered and saw Prince Sasuke lead his troops away.

"Ha! You're pig fiancé is too late!" he cried. "A few more steps and we'll be safe in the Fire Swamp."

Sakura, to say the least, was not so confident.

"We'll never survive," she said.

"Nonsense," scoffed Naruto, taking her hand and pulling her inside. "You're only saying that because no one ever has."


	9. The Fire Swamp

The Princess Bride

NaruSaku Style

Chapter 9: The Fire Swamp

Naruto and Sakura walked through the outer edges of the Fire Swamp. Both of them wanted to delay the inevitable, but they needed to go through it to get to the other side quickly, not around it. So they went deeper inside it.

Naruto looked around and nodded. "It's not that bad," he said.

Sakura gave him a disbelieving look. Naruto cocked an eyebrow.

"Well, I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here," he said. "But the trees are actually quite lovely."

Sakura could only stare at him. Naruto shrugged. He took her hand and they walked a little further inside. Suddenly they heard a distinct popping noise. They look around with confused looks, searching for the source, when a spurt of fire blew up in front of Sakura. She screamed as her dress caught fire.

Naruto pulled her away and used her dress to smother the fire. She watched him as he did this; she was amazed that this was the same farm boy she had fallen in love with those five years ago.

"Well now, that was an adventure," he said as soon as the fire was out. He smiled at her. "Singed a bit, were you?" She shook her head.

"You?" she asked. Naruto shook his head cockily. He helped her up and a soon as they started walking again, they heard the popping noise. Without flinching, Naruto lifted Sakura by the waist and got her out of the way just as another flame spurt flew up.

"Well, one thing I will say," he said, setting her down and taking her hand again. "The Fire Swamp certainly does keep you on your toes. This will all soon be a happy memory." They set off again, dodging fire spurts when necessary. Sakura soon began to question what he had been doing the past five years. He told her.

"I docked Robert's ship, Revenge, and I came at the far end. And I, as you know, am Roberts," he explained.

"But how is that possible?" asked Sakura as Naruto picked her up and moved her as another fire spurt popped up. "Since he's been marauding for twenty years, and you only left me five years ago?"

Naruto shrugged. "I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. See, what I told you before about saying 'please' was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally Roberts decided something. He said, 'Alright Naruto, I've never had a valet, you can try if you'd like. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' Three years he said that. 'Good night, Naruto. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened." Naruto paused.

"What? Go on," said Sakura, curious to know what happened. They came to a log and Naruto picked Sakura up bridal style and carried her across it.

"Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire," continued Naruto. "So he took me in his cabin, and told me his secret. 'I am not the dread pirate Roberts', he said. 'My name is Kakashi. I inherited the ship from the previous dread pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real dread pirate Roberts either. His name was Minato. The real Roberts has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Kiri.' Then he explained that the name was the important thing for inspiring fear." Naruto set Sakura down and continued his story. "You see, no one would surrender to the dread pirate Naruto. So we sailed ashore, took an entirely new crew, and he stayed aboard for a while as my first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship, and I have been Roberts ever since. Except now that we're together, I will retire and hand the name over to someone else." He smiled at Sakura.

"Is everything clear to you?" he asked. Sakura nodded though still a little unsure, and started walking forward. All of the sudden she disappeared as she stepped into a patch of lightening sand and sank.

"Sakura!" Naruto called. He looked around and cut a vine for a makeshift rope. Holding one end he dove into the sand after her. During the moment it took him to find her, a large rodent walked by the patch of sand and sniffed. It smelt human, and stalked off to find other rodents .

Suddenly, a hand popped out of the sand and was followed by Naruto gasping for air with Sakura clinging to his back, also gasping. He pulled them out using the vine with great difficulty and when they finally were able to get loose, collapsed on the ground. Both of them coughed up sand. Naruto pulled Sakura further away from the sand and hugged her tightly. He'd almost lost her.

"We'll never succeed," said Sakura, hugging Naruto. "We may as well die here."

Naruto shook his head and helped her up. "No, no. We have already succeeded," he said. He lead her around other patches of lighting sand. "I mean, what are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp? One, the flame spurt. No Problem. There's a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the lightening sand, but you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too."

Sakura stopped him.

"Naruto, what about the R.O.?" she asked in a fearful tone.

"Rodents of Unusual size?" he said. "I don't think they exist." And no sooner had Naruto finished his sentence, a R.O.U.S attacked him. Naruto fell to the ground, wrestling with the large rat. The monstrous thing bit down on his arm, causing Naruto to scream in pain. Naruto punched the rat until it let go and went after his dropped sword. The rat came after him again and jumped him. Naruto fought it, holding its mouth away from his face. He managed to get his feet underneath the rodent and kicked it away. While in another attempt to grab his sword, Naruto heard his name.

"Naruto!"

The R.O.U.S was going after Sakura. Naruto left the sword and grabbed the rodent's tail. The rat struggled to get to Sakura and bit down on her boot, but Naruto pulled it away before it could do much more damage to her. The rat struggled and flipped around and managed to sink its teeth directly into Naruto's shoulder. Naruto let loose another scream of pain, but heard a popping noise. He rolled over and the R.O.U.S was caught in a flame spurt, its fur catching fire. This gave Naruto the time to grab his sword, and while the wounded R.O.U.S waddled slowly toward him, Naruto met it halfway and stabbed his sword into the beast numerous times until he was sure it was dead. When he was finished he turned to Sakura.

He was tired, bloody, and dirty, but he had saved her life. They had conquered the Fire Swamp.


	10. The Nightmare

The Princess Bride

NaruSaku Style

Chapter 10: The Nightmare

After what seemed like forever, Naruto and Sakura reached the end of the Fire Swamp. They were now in pleasantly wooded area full of light. Both had changed in the Swamp, though, they knew, but it only brought them closer.

"We did it," said Sakura, looking around her.

"Now, was that so terrible?" he asked, smiling. He leaned in to kiss her, but before their lips could touch, the sound of galloping horses was heard. The Prince had caught up to them.

"Surrender!" barked Sasuke. Naruto put his arm in front of Sakura and drew his sword.

"You mean you wish to surrender to me?" he said. "Very well, I accept."

The Prince scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I give you full marks for bravery," he said. "Don't make yourself a fool."

Naruto glared at him. "Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Fire Swamp," he said. "We can live their quite happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit."

Sasuke glared at the blonde. "I tell you once again, surrender!" he barked.

"It will not happen," argued Naruto, matching his glare.

"For the last time, surrender!" growled Sasuke.

"DEATH FIRST!"

While the two men argued, Sakura began to notice that she and Naruto were surrounded by archers and knew that if he didn't surrender soon, her love would be good as dead…for real this time.

"Will you promise not to hurt him!" she cried.

"What was that?" asked Sasuke hopefully.

"What was that?" asked Naruto, confused. Sakura glanced at him and gulped. She couldn't believe what she was about to do.

"If we surrender and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?" she asked with conviction. Naruto stared at her, disbelief clear on his face. Sasuke grinned.

"May I live a thousand years and never hunt again," he vowed. Sakura took a deep breath.

"He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge," she said. "Promise to return him to his ship."

"I swear it will be done," said Sasuke, placing a hand over his heart. Sakura turned to Naruto. Sasuke took this chance to whisper to the Count, "Once we're out of sight, take him back to Konoha and throw him in the Pit of Despair."

"I swear it will be done," hissed Count Orochimaru.

Sakura looked to Naruto. It hurt her to see the betrayed look on his face, but she kept reminding herself that she was saving his life, or so she thought.

"I thought you were dead once and it almost destroyed me," she whispered, trying very hard not to cry. "I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you."

Naruto watched as Sakura was scooped up into Prince Sasuke's saddle and they rode off. He couldn't hardly think. What had just happened? One minute they were about to kiss, and suddenly Sakura was ripped away from him again.

Naruto barely registered himself being steered towards the Count.

"Come, sir, we must get you to your ship," sneered Orochimaru. Naruto looked up at him and grinned half-heartedly. He knew he wasn't going anywhere near his ship.

"We are men of action," he said. "Lies do not become us."

"Well spoken, sir," said the Count. Naruto smirked and glanced down. Orochimaru had six finger's on his right hand. Naruto distinctly remembered a certain tidbit the swordsman had told him.

"What is it?" asked the Count, though he knew Naruto was looking at his deformity.

"You have six fingers on your right hand," said Naruto. "Someone was looking for you."

Orochimaru didn't give Naruto the chance to say anything else. He bashed the young pirate in the head with the butt of his sword. Naruto knew no more.

When Naruto awoke he was surprised to find that he was no longer in the forest. He was in fact, chained to a table. His shirt had been removed and a very odd looking man was dabbing a healing solution onto his wounded shoulder. The man wore glasses and had long grey hair pulled up into a ponytail.

"Where am I?" asked Naruto weakly. The man shook his head, but answered.

"The Pit of Despair. Don't even think…," he rasped, then he coughed and his voiced returned to a more normal sounding one. "Don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued either. The only way in is secret and only the prince, the count, and I know how to get in and out."

"Then I'm here till I die?" asked Naruto, surprisingly calm.

"Till they kill you, yeah," said the man, still working on Naruto's shoulder. Naruto watched him for a while.

"Then why bother curing me?"

The gray-haired man sighed. "The prince and the count always insist on everyone being healthy before they are broken," he said.

"So it's to be torture," decided Naruto.

The man nodded enthusiastically.

"I can cope with torture."

The man shook his head with equal enthusiasm.

"Don't believe me?" asked Naruto.

"You survived the Fire Swamp, so you must be very brave," the man said. Then he grinned. "But no one withstands The Machine."

Naruto couldn't help but feel a little terrified.

In the castle, Prince Sasuke and Count Orochimaru were walking along the corridors discussing their evil plan to kill Naruto and Sakura and their plot to start a war with Suna. When Sakura passed in front of them, looking very somber, they stopped their chat and watched her until she passed.

"She's been like that since the Fire Swamp," said Sasuke. "It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her."

"Of course," hissed the Count. When they were sure she was gone they resumed their talk.

"iThe King died that very night. And before the following dawn, Sakura and Sasuke were married. And at noon she met with her subjects again, this time as their queen," read the young girl's father. "'My father's final words were…"

"Hold it, hold it, Daddy," interrupted the young girl. "You read that wrong! She doesn't marry Sasuke, she marries Naruto. I'm just sure of it. After all Naruto did for her, if she didn't marry him it wouldn't be fair."

"Well, who says life is fair?" asked the father. "Where is that written? Life isn't always fair."

"I'm telling you, you're messing up the story," rasped the girl as loud as she could. "Now get it right!"

"Do you want me to go on with this?" asked the father, closing the book.

"Yes," said the girl weakly.

"All right then," said her father, opening the book and flipping back to where he left off. "No more interruptions. 'At noon, she met her subjects again, this time as their Queen."/i

"My father's final words: 'Love her as I have loved her, and there will be joy.'" Announced the newly crowned King Sasuke. "I present to you your queen, Queen Sakura."

Sakura appeared to the crowd at the sound of her name. She looked around and was shocked to hear someone yelling.

"Boo! Boo! Boo!" cried an old, ancient woman. Sakura stared at her.

"Why do you do this?" she asked with a fearful tone.

"Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up!" cried the old woman angrily.

"But they would have killed Naruto if I hadn't done it," defended Sakura.

"You're true love lives!" barked the woman. "And you marry another! True Love saved her in the fire swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the queen of refuse! So bow to her if you want, bow to her. Bow to the queen of slime, the queen of filth, the queen of putrescence! Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! BOO!"

Sakura awoke from the nightmare with a gasp.

It was ten days till the wedding, and the King still lived, but Sakura's nightmares were growing steadily worse.

i"See I told you she wouldn't marry Sasuke," said the girl.

"Yes, you're very smart," said her father. "Shut up."/i


	11. The Machine

The Princess Bride

NaruSaku Style

Chapter 11: The Machine

Sakura got out of bed and pulled on her gown. She ran out of her room and up to Sasuke's study, where said prince was currently conversing with Orochimaru about how the torture of Naruto was going. When Sakura entered the room, they promptly changed the subject. Sakura went to Sasuke's desk and slammed her hands down on the surface.

"It comes to this," she said, staring directly in Sasuke's eyes. "I love Naruto. I always have. I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning!"

Sasuke stared at her, surprised at her sudden outburst. He glanced at Orochimaru, who shrugged. Sasuke sighed. He couldn't have her killing herself.

"I could never cause you grief," he lied. "Consider our wedding off." He turned to Orochimaru. "You, uh, returned this Naruto to his ship?"

Orochimaru nodded. "Yes."

"Then we will simply alert him," said Sasuke, standing up and taking Sakura's hands. "Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the fire swamp. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their words."

"My Naruto will always come for me," said Sakura with pride. Sasuke smiled.

"I suggest a deal," he said, pulling her gently towards the door. "You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships, one in each direction. The dread pirate Roberts is always close to Konoha this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Naruto wants you, bless you both."

He gave her the sweetest fake look he could muster as he led Sakura to the door. "If not," he said. "Please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?"

Sakura nodded after a few moments thought. Sasuke smiled at her and closed the door in her face.

Later that afternoon found Sasuke and Orochimaru walking in a wooded area behind the palace. Orochimaru turned to Sasuke.

"Your princess is really quite a winning creature," he hissed. "A trifle simple perhaps but her appeal is undeniable." Sasuke snickered.

"Oh, I know, the people are quite taken with her," he answered. "It's odd, but when I hired Sai to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought it was so clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Suna is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war."

Orochimaru nodded and stepped away, searching for something on a rather large tree that really didn't look like it belonged.

"Hmm, now where is that secret knot," he said, mostly to himself. "It's impossible to find. Hah!" Orochimaru pressed down hard onto a knot in the tree and grinned as a door in the tree creaked open. He started to enter, but stopped and turned to Sasuke.

"Are you coming down into the pit?" asked the snake-like Count. "Naruto's got his strength back. I'm starting him on the machine tonight."

Sasuke sighed and shook his head. "Orochimaru, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Suna to blame for it. I'm swamped."

Orochimaru smiled and placed a hand on Sasuke's shoulder. "Get some rest," he said. "If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything."

Naruto, to say the least, was beginning to get worried. The man with the glasses-whose name, Naruto learned, was Kabuto-had nursed him back to full health. In fact, if it wasn't for the cast iron shackles on his ankles and wrists, Naruto would have easily have been able to overpower him. But, unfortunately, it seemed he was trapped. After a few days of nothing but Kabuto, Naruto was began to wonder if they had forgotten about him.

Kabuto visited him often, but tonight, rather than food, he was carrying very odd looking contraptions. Choosing not to ask, Naruto said nothing as Kabuto strapped the contraptions around the young pirate's head, chest, and stomach. When Kabuto had finished, Naruto felt the table he was laying on being pushed away.

When they reached their destination, Naruto wasn't surprised to see the evil snake Count with the six fingers staring down at him. Naruto looked away and saw the oddest thing he had seen his whole life (which was saying something). It was big, wooden, and Naruto could make out a water-powered mill on one side. It reminded him of the water mill back at the farm. But something told him this wasn't quite the same thing.

Kabuto began to hook odd tubes to the contraptions wrapped around Naruto's body. While he did this, Orochimaru stared at the young pirate with a wicked smirk.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" hissed the Count. "Took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain." Orochimaru moved behind Naruto, laying his hand on a lever that was numbered all the way to fifty. "At present, I'm writing a definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes you feel.

Orochimaru smiled as Naruto glared at him.

"This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting." And with that, Orochimaru lifted the lever to the number one.

But Naruto had trained his brain the last five years to leave his body so as to withstand pain. Nothing could hurt him. As the lever moved and when The Machine began, Naruto was stroking her pink hair and touching her skin of wintry white and—and—and then his world exploded. The pain was more than agonizing, so much so that there were no words to describe the intense pain. He couldn't think, he couldn't hear, he couldn't even breathe. Inside and out, Naruto's world was ripping apart and he could do nothing but crack along with it. The pain was so much he couldn't even scream, only writhe in agony.

The Count turned off the Machine then, and as he picked up his notebooks he said, "As you no doubt know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old—well basically that's all this is, except instead of water, I'm sucking life; I've just sucked away one year of your life. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you, so let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest."

In humiliation, and suffering, and frustration, and anger, and anguish so great it was dizzying, Naruto could only weep, whimpering quietly. This was definitely something, because Naruto inever/i cried.

"Interesting," hissed the Count, and carefully noted it down.


	12. Chouji and Shikamaru Reunite

**The Princess Bride**

NaruSaku style

Chapter 12: Chouji and Shikamaru Reunite

Sasuke was in a very good mood. Naruto was being tortured and Sakura was none the wiser. She had absolutely no clue that Sasuke hadn't done as he promised and that Naruto was in fact underneath the palace right now, having his life sucked away year by year. Sasuke was interrupted of these thoughts when he heard "Ahem" coming from the door to his study. His lieutenant, Suigetsu, was standing at attention in the doorway.

"Suigetsu," said Sasuke.

"Sire," muttered Suigetsu, bowing. Sasuke, growing irritated, motioned for Suigetsu to come nearer. Suigetsu hurried to the prince's side.

"As chief enforcer of all Konoha, I trust you with this secret: killers from Suna are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night," said Sasuke.

"My spy network has heard no such news," said Suigetsu, confused. At this moment, Sakura appeared at the door. Sasuke and Suigetsu stood.

"Any word from Naruto?" asked Sakura hopefully.

"Too soon, my angel," crooned Sasuke. "Patience."

"He will come for me," she said.

"Of course."

Sakura nodded and walked off.

Sasuke and Suigetsu sat back down. Sasuke pulled his lieutenant closer by the shirt.

"She will not be murdered!" barked Sasuke. "On the day of my wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied, and every inhabitant arrested."

Suigetsu shrugged uncertainly. "Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate."

"Form a Brute Squad then!" Sasuke growled. "I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed!"

"It won't be easy, sire," muttered Suigetsu.

"Try ruling the world sometime," hissed Sasuke.

Suigetsu did as he was told and formed a Brute Squad to clear out the Thieves' Forest. On the day of the the Prince's and Sakura's wedding, the forest was full of thieves yelling and fighting and loosing. All of them were captured.

Except one.

"Is everybody out?" Suigetsu asked a soldier.

"Almost," said the soldier. "There is this lazy, drunk swordsman giving us some trouble."

"Well, you give him trouble," barked Suigetsu, turning his horse away and following the rest of his troops. The soldier nodded and went back to where Shikamaru sat, mumbling drunkenly.

"I'm waiting for you Sai!" slurred Shikamaru. "You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I will stay. I will not be moved."

"Ho there!" said the soldier.

"I do not budge," growled Shikamaru. "Keep your 'Ho there'."

"But the prince gave orders…" the soldier was unable to finish as Shikamaru jumped up and swung his sword at the man.

"So did Sai!" barked Shikamaru. "When the job went wrong he went back to the beginning. Well, this is where we got the job, so it's the beginning. And I am staying still until Sai comes."

The soldier looked up and pointed. "You, brute, come here!"

Shikamaru backed away. "I am waiting for Sai, you hear me?"

"You surely are a meanie." Shikamaru backed all the way into to something big and hard. He turned around and looked up. He smiled.

"Hello," said Chouji, grinning.

"It's you," slurred Shikamaru, smiling happily.

"True," rhymed Chouji. "You don't look so good." Shikamaru blew a scoff drunkenly in Chouji's face in reply. Chouji wrinkled his nose. "You don't smell so good either."

"Perhaps not," said Shikamaru, waving a hand. "I feel fine."

"Yeah," said Chouji, standing Shikamaru up straight. Shikamaru stayed up for a second before falling to the ground unconscious.

Chouji and Shikamaru were reunited. And as Chouji nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Shikamaru of Sai's death and the existence of Count Orochimaru, the six-fingered man. Considering Shikamaru's lifelong search, he handled the news surprisingly well. Of course, Shikamaru could hardly hold himself up, much less care what Chouji was telling him.

In an attempt to sober his friend up, Chouji repeatedly dunked Shikamaru's head in and out of both cold and hot water. It seemed to work, because after a little while of this Shikamaru pushed himself away.

"That's enough! That's enough!" he cried, flinging his sopping hair out of his face. "Where is this Orochimaru now, so I may kill him!"

"He's with the prince, in the castle," said Chouji. "But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men."

Shikamaru counted the amount on his fingers. "How many could you handle?"

"I don't think more than ten," said Chouji. Shikamaru frowned.

"Leaving twenty for me," calculated Shikamaru. "At my best I could never defeat that many. I need Sai to plan." Shikamaru plopped down in a chair.

"But Sai's dead," said Chouji, confused.

"No, not Sai," whispered Shikamaru, thinking. "I need the man in black."

"What?" asked Chouji.

"Look," began Shikamaru. "He bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Sai. And a man who can do that can plan my castle onslaught any day. Come on!" Shikamaru jumped up and ran for the door, grabbing his sword as he went. Chouji was unsure whether or not to follow.

"Where?"

"To find the man in black, obviously," scoffed Shikamaru, looking back at Chouji.

"But we don't know where he is," Chouji pointed out.

Shikamaru huffed. "Don't bother me with trifles," he said. "After twenty years, at last my father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight!" And with


	13. Death Scream

**The Princess Bride **

NaruSaku Style

Chapter 13: Death Scream

Sasuke looked up. Suigetsu stood at his office door and bowed. Sasuke urged him inside.

"Rise and Report," said Sasuke. Suigetsu stood up.

"The Thieves' forest is empty," he said. "Thirty men guard the castle gate."

"Double it," said Sasuke. "My princess must be safe."

"The gate has but one key, and I carry that," replied Suigetsu. But he was unable to continue as Sakura came in the room, still somber, but hopeful.

"Ah, my dulcet darling," crooned Sasuke, smiling at her. "Tonight, we marry. Tomorrow morning your men will escort us to Konoha channel, where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon."

"Every ship but your fastest, you mean," she said, cocking her eyebrow. "Every ship but the four you sent."

Sasuke paused and looked to Suigetsu, who shrugged. "Yes. Yes of course. Naturally not those four."

"Ahem," coughed Suigetsu. "Your Majesty." But Sakura figured it out. Her hopeful smile was gone.

"You never sent the ships," she said sadly, but then she began to grow angry. "Don't bother lying. Doesn't matter. Naruto will come for me anyway."

Sasuke glared at her.

"You're a silly girl," he hissed.

"Yes, I am a silly girl," growled Sakura. "For not having seen sooner that you are nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear."

"I would not say such thing's if I were you," barked Sasuke, growing steadily angrier.

Sakura glared at him. "Why not? You can't hurt me," she said with conviction. "Naruto and I are joined together by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward, that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth."

Sasuke was furious. He grabbed Sakura by the arm and led her back to her room.

"I would not say such things if I were you," he growled as he tossed her inside and locked the door. In a rage, Sasuke ran out of the castle and down to the Pit of Despair, where Orochimaru was preparing to give Naruto another go at the Machine. Sasuke slammed his hands on the table Naruto was chained too and looked him in the eyes.

"You truly love each other," he growled. "and so you might have been happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. So I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will."

And with that, Sasuke took control of the Machine and raised the lever all the way to fifty.

"Not to fifty!" cried Orochimaru. But it was too late.

The death scream had begun. The scream was heard all over the kingdom. All they could do was watch as Naruto screamed in agony at the top of his lungs until, after what seemed like forever, he was silent.

Before Naruto's scream had ended however, Shikamaru stopped Chouji.

"Chouji! Chouji! Listen!" he said, stopping the giant. "Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Orochimaru murdered my father. The man in black makes it now."

"The man in black?" asked Chouji.

"His true love is marrying another tonight," said Shikamaru, walking towards the castle. They were blocked, however, by a large crowd. "Excuse me, pardon me, it's important. Chouji, please?"

"EVERYBODY, MOVE!" screamed Chouji. The crowd parted instantly.

"Thank you," said Shikamaru.

Finally, the pair reached the castle grounds. They went around and noticed a grey haired man wearing glasses pushing a wheel barrel around though some trees. They followed him. They stopped him and Shikamaru put his sword to the man's neck.

"Where is the man in black?" he asked. He pointed to the wheel barrel. "You get that from this grove, yes?" Kabuto said nothing.

"Chouji, jog his memory," said Shikamaru. Chouji bonked Kabuto hard on the head. Kabuto stood there for a moment, then fell forward unconscious. Shikamaru looked at Chouji.

"I'm sorry, Shikamaru, I didn't mean to jog him so hard," said Chouji, turning to find Shikamaru walking away. "Shikamaru?"

Shikamaru kneeled and closed his eyes, pointing his sword up.

"Father, I have failed you for twenty years," he said. "Now our misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I cannot find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please, guide my sword." Shikamaru stood up, walking around as if the sword was leading him. Chouji watched with curiosity. Shikamaru walked about a foot before his sword caught into a tree. Depressed because this seemingly failed, Shikamaru laid against the tree. When he did this, he hit the knot that opened a secret door in the tree. Shikamaru look at Chouji and shrugged. Both of them walked inside, not knowing what they would face, but knowing that they must go down.

Shikamaru and Chouji entered the Pit of Despair where Naruto lay. When they realized that they had found who they were searching for they ran over to the table. Naruto was unresponsive. Chouji laid his head on Naruto's chest, listening for a heartbeat. There was none.

"He's dead," said Chouji.

"It's just not fair," sighed Shikamaru.

i"Dad, dad, wait! Wait! What did Chouji mean 'He's dead'? I mean, he didn't mean dead? Naruto's only faking, right?" asked the girl.

"You want me to read this or not?" said her father.

"Who gets Sasuke?"

"I don't understand."

"Who kills Prince Sasuke? At the end?" cried the girl. "Somebody's gotta do it! Is it Shikamaru, who?"

"Nobody," answered her father. "Nobody kills him. He lives."

"You mean he wins? Geez, Dad, what did you read me this thing for?"

"You know, you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously," said her father, making to leave. "I think we better stop now."

The girl grabbed his shirt. "No, I'm ok. I'm ok. Sit down. I'm alright."

"Okay. All right. Now, where were we. Ohh, yes, in the Pit of Despair…."/i

"Well, the Nara's have never taken defeat easily," said Shikamaru. "Come along Chouji. Bring the body."

Chouji turned to Shikamaru, confused.

"The body?" he asked. Shikamaru sighed.

"Have you any money?"

"I have a little," said Chouji.

"I just hope it's enough for a miracle," said Shikamaru. "That's all."


	14. The Miracle Man

The Princess Bride

NaruSaku Style

Chapter 14: The Miracle Man

Chouji broke the shackles on Naruto's ankles and wrists and lifted him off the table, then followed Shikamaru back up to the forest. After walking back into town, Shikamaru began asking around for a miracle man, giving the excuse that they needed to find him for a cure for fainting spells. Finally, they were pointed in the right direction and found a small hut on the outskirts of the village.

Shikamaru knocked on the little door and looked at Chouji, who shrugged. After a second of waiting, a small window in the door was opened. A grey haired old man with two red stripes running down his face from his eyes looked out.

"Go away, what? What?" he cried, looking at the odd trio of men. One was slender and carried a sword, one very large, and one very limp, so much so that the large one was reduced to carrying him.

"Are you the Miracle Man, Jiriaya, who worked for the king all those years?" asked Shikamaru.

"The King's stinking son fired me," growled Jiraiya. "And thank you for bring up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it. We're closed!" Jiraiya slammed the little window shut. Shikamaru wasting no time in knocking on the door again.

"Beat it, or I'll call the Brute Squad!" barked Jiraiya, opening his little window again.

"I'm on the brute squad," said Chouji.

"You are the brute squad," said Jiraiya, looking up at Chouji with wide eyes.

Shikamaru stepped forward. "We need a miracle," he said. "And it's very important."

"Look, I'm retired," retorted Jiraiya. "And besides, why would you want someone the king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle."

"He's already dead," said Shikamaru, shrugging.

"He is, huh?" asked Jiraiya, his interest peaking. "I'll take a look. Bring him in."

Jiraiya opened the door and allowed the two men in. Chouji laid Naruto on a table in the middle of the room and Jiraiya began to examine him. Finally, he looked up.

"I've seen worse," said the old man and he began prodding and poking Naruto's chest, muttering to himself.

"Sir," said Shikamaru, trying to get Jiraiya's attention. "Sir?"

Jiraiya looked up.

"We're in a terrible rush," said Shikamaru.

"Don't rush me sonny," growled Jiriaya. "You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?"

"Sixty-five."

"Sheesh!" cried Jiraiya. "I never worked for so little. Except once, and that was a very noble cause.

"This is noble sir," pleaded Shikamaru. "His wife is…crippled. The children are on the brink of starvation."

"Are you a rotten liar!"

Shikamaru grew angry. "I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years."

"You're first story was better," scoffed Jiraiya. "Where's that bellows crammed. He probably owes you money, huh? Well I'll ask him." Jiraiya scuffled through what looked like a bunch of junk until he pulled out a bellows.

"He's dead," said Shikamaru, confused. "He can't talk."

"HO HO HO! Look who knows so much, heh?" bellowed Jiraiya. "Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please, open his mouth." Chouji did as told and held Naruto's mouth open while Jiriaya pumped the bellows and filled Naruto's lungs with air. "Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead…well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing you can do."

"What's that?" asked Shikamaru.

"Go through his clothes and look for loose change," said Jiraiya, grinning. He pulled the bellows out of Naruto's mouth and leaned close to his ear.

"Hey! Hello in there! Hey!" cried Jiraiya, earning some very confused looks from Shikamaru and Chouji. "What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for?" Jiraiya pushed down on Naruto's chest and no one could mistake what he said.

"Tr..ooo…luv…" was the words that escaped from Naruto's lifeless lips. Shikamaru was positively giddy.

"'True love' you heard him!" he cried. "You could not ask for a more noble cause than that!"

Jiraiya didn't skip a beat. "Yeah true love is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice MLT—mutton, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe." Jiraiya smacked his lips. "They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said—he distinctly said "To blave" and as we all know, to blave means to bluff, heh? So you were probably plaing cards, and he cheated—"

Before Jiraiya could finish his sentence, a blonde older woman with overly large breasts stormed into the room.

"Liar! Liar! Liar!" she cried, poking Jiraiya in the chest.

"Get back, witch!" cried Jiraiya.

"I'm not a witch, I'm your wife!" screamed the woman. "but after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore!"

"You never had it so good!" said Jiraiya, grinning.

"True love, he said "True Love", Jiraiya!"

"Not another work, Tsunade!" barked Jiraiya, trying to get her to shut up.

"He's afraid," Tsunade said, turning to Chouji and Shikamaru. "Ever since Prince Sasuke fired him, his confidence is shattered!"

"Why'd you say that name!" cried Jiraiya. "You promised me that you would never say that name!"

"What, Sasuke?"

"Aaaigh!" Jiraiya ran around the room, trying very hard not to listen to Tsunade.

"Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke!" over and over Tsunade screamed, chasing Jiriaya around the table, acting like straight up children. Shikamaru and Chouji looked at each other.

"I'm not listening!" cried Jiraiya, putting his hands over his ears.

"You're life's expiring!" cried Tsunade. "and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!"

"Nobody's hearing nothing!" barked Jiraiya, still trying to run away from Tsunade.

"Sasuke! Sasuke! Sasuke! Sasuke!"

Finally, Shikamaru thought this was a good time to interrupt.

"This is Sakura's true love!" he yelled above the old couple. "If you heal him, he will stop Sasuke's wedding!"

Jiraiya instantly turned to Shikamaru, grinning broadly.

"Enough!" he said to Tsunade. "Wait, wait. I make him better, Sasuke suffers?"

"Humiliations galore," said Shikamaru.

"HA HA HA!" cried Jiraiya happily. "That is a noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five! I'm on the job!"

"Hoo-woo!" cried Tsunade.

A few minutes later, the miracle pill was made. Tsunade took it from Jiraiya and coated it with chocolate.

"That's a miracle pill?" asked Shikamaru.

Tsunade nodded, grinning. "The chocolate coating makes it go down easier," she said, putting the pill in a baggy. "But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency, and he shouldn't go swimming for at least—"

"An hour—" piped in Jiraiya.

"Yeah, and hour—"

"A good hour."

Shikamaru took the pill while Chouji lifted Naruto off the table.

"Thank you for everything," said Shikamaru. He and Chouji left off towards the castle.

"Bye-bye, boys!" said Tsunade, waving and grinning.

"Have fun storming the castle!" cried Jiraiya, also waving and grinning.

"Think it'll work?" asked Tsunade, looking to Jiraiya.

"It would take a miracle," said Jiraiya. The both shrugged and continued waving.


	15. The Plan

The Princess Bride

NaruSaku Style

Chapter 15: The Plan

Chouji and Shikamaru dragged Naruto's lifeless body across a battlement away from the castle. They crawled, trying their best to remain unseen. Finally they reached a place directly across from the castle gate. Chouji and Shikamaru inched their heads up and looked at the guards. They had nearly doubled.

"Shikamaru, there's more than thirty," pointed out Chouji.

"What's the difference?" asked Shikamaru, situating Naruto so that blonde pirate was leaning limply against Shikamaru's shoulder. He moved Naruto's head out of his face. "We've got him. Help me here."

Chouji sat Naruto up against the wall. Shikamaru pulled the miracle pill out of the baggy Tsunade had stuffed it in.

"We'll have to force-feed him," he said.

"Has it been fifteen minutes?" asked Chouji.

"We can't wait!" cried Shikamaru quietly. "The wedding's in half an hour. We must strike in the hustle and bustle beforehand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth." Chouji did as he was told while Shikamaru stuffed the pill down Naruto's throat.

"How long do we have to wait, before we know the miracle works?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," said Shikamaru. No sooner had Shikamaru finished this sentence, Naruto's eyes snapped open. He looked at them both.

"I'll beat you two apart!" he growled. "I'll beat you both together-!"

But Naruto was silenced as Chouji placed his huge hand over Naruto's mouth. Catching the drift, Naruto lowered his voice.

"I guess not very long," said Chouji, grinning.

"Why won't my arms move?" asked Naruto nervously. Who were these guys? They seemed familiar.

"You've been mostly dead all day," answered Chouji kindly.

"We had the Miracle Man, Jiraiya, make a pill to bring you back," explained Shikamaru.

"Who are you?" asked Naruto, eyeing them suspiciously. "Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Sakura?"

"Let me explain," began Shikamaru, then he pause. "No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Sakura is marrying Sasuke in little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape, after I kill Count Orochimaru."

Naruto thought for a moment. "That doesn't leave us much time for dilly-dallying," he said, tapping his finger.

"You just wiggled your finger!" said Chouji. "That's wonderful!"

"I've always been a quick healer," said Naruto. "What are our liabilities?"

"There is but one working castle gate," informed Shikamaru. "And it is guarded by—" he looked and made a quick count. "—sixty men."

"And our assets?"

"Your brains, Chouji's strength, my steel," said Shikamaru.

"That's it?" cried Naruto incredulously. "Impossible. If I had a month to plan maybe I could come up with something but this…" Naruto shook his head.

"You just shook your head!" said Chouji happily. "That doesn't make you happy?"

"Naruto moved his head as best as he could to face Chouji. He still couldn't move without flopping around like a rag doll.

"My brains, your strength, his steel against sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmm?" Naruto sighed in frustration. "I mean, if only we had a wheel barrel that would be something."

Shikamaru looked at Chouji. "Where did we put that wheel barrel the grey-haired guy had?" he asked.

"Still with him, I think," answered Chouji.

"Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place?" said Naruto in a sarcastic tone. He thought some more, slowly formulating a plan. "What I wouldn't do for a holocaust cloak," he thought out loud.

"There we cannot help you," said Shikamaru.

"Would this do?" asked Chouji, pulling a black cloak out of a pouch he carried.

"Where did you get that?" asked Shikamaru, surprised.

"At Jiraiya's," answered Chouji, shrugging. "If fit so nice, he said I could keep it.

Naruto butted in. "All right, all right. Come on, help me up now." The two did as he asked, Unfortunately, Naruto was trouble holding his head up. He ignored this. "Now, I'll need a sword eventually," he said as his head fell forward onto his chest. Chouji pulled it back up.

"Why? You can't even lift one," said Shikamaru.

"True, but that's not hardly common knowledge, is it?" said Naruto as his head fell backwards limply. "Thank you," he said as Chouji pulled it back up again. "Now, there may be problems once we're inside." Again Naruto's head fell forward for a third time. This was beginning to get really annoying. This time, Chouji kept his hand on Naruto's head, holding it up.

"I'll say," said Shikamaru. "Namely, how do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do we escape?"

"Don't pester him," said Chouji kindly. "He's had a hard day."

"Right," said Shikamaru. "Right, sorry."

Naruto nodes as best he could and the odd trio set off to put their plan into action.

"Shikamaru?" said Chouji.

"What?"

"I hope we win."


	16. The Wedding

The Princess Bride

NaruSaku Style

Chapter 16: The Wedding

A few hours before the unlikely trio was planning their storm of the castle, Sasuke was fastening the clasp on Sakura's necklace. She was reluctantly getting ready for their seemingly inevitable wedding. To say the least, Sakura wasn't pleased.

"You don't seem excited, my little muffet," observed Sasuke in a sickly sweet voice.

"Should I be?" she asked sternly.

"Brides often are, I'm told."

"I do not marry tonight," said Sakura, walking away from the Prince. "My Naruto will come for me."

Sasuke smirked as she walked away.

After a couple of hours, Sakura found herself being led down the aisle toward a priest. When he began to talk, it took all her will power no to giggle despite her situation.

"Mawwage. Mawwage is whut bwings us togewa today," he began. "Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam wiffin a dweam…"

Outside the castle, a dark and hulking figure entered the courtyard. The sixty guards standing outside the front gate. The sixty guards standing outside the castle quaked with fear.

"Stand your ground, men!" cried Suigetsu, even though he was positively shaking. "Stand your ground.


	17. Overdeveloped Sense of Vengeance

The Princess Bride

NaruSaku Style

Ch. 17: Overdeveloped Sense of Vengeance

Orochimaru met the trio in a corridor of the castle. He stared at them. He was surprised to se Naruto alive, though not necessarily well by the way he was hobbling using Chouji for support. The Count had seen the boy die himself, but no matter, There were more pressing issues at the moment.

Like the swordsman who gave him a death glare that chilled even Orochimaru's frozen heart.

"Kill the swordsman and the giant," said the count, referring to Shikamaru and Chouji. "But leave the blonde for questioning."

The guards lept towards the trio, but Shikamaru killed them all in nearly a single swipe.

"Hello," whispered Shikamaru. "My name is Shikamaru Nara. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Orochimaru turned and ran. Shikamaru chased after him. The Count went through a door and locked it behind him. Shikamaru tried his hardest to bust it down, but to no avail.

"Chouji!" he cried "I need you!"

"I can't leave him alone," called Chouji, referring to Naruto, who was still unable to stand by himself.

"He's getting away from me, Chouji! Please!" bellowed Shikamaru, still trying and failing to break down the door. Chouji hug the limp Naruto by his arms to a suit of armor.

"I'll be right back," he said. Naruto blew a strand of hair out of his face in frustration.

Shikamaru was not having any luck with the door when Chouji came to him. Chouji stopped him and beat the door of its hinges in one punch.

"Thank you," said Shikamaru, running through the doorway. Chouji just shook his head and went back to where he left Naruto.

But Naruto wasn't there.

In a different part of the castle, the king, queen, and Sakura were on their way up to the honeymoon suite.

"Strange wedding," said the queen.

"Yes," answered the king. "A very strange wedding. Come along."

Sakura stopped and gave the king a kiss on the cheek.

"What was that for?" asked the king in his squeaky voice.

"Because you've always been so kind to me," she replied. "And i won't be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite."

"Won't that be nice." giggled the old king. They continued walking. "She kissed me!" he cried happily. Sakura sighed.

Shikamaru chased Orochimaru all the way down to the cellar dining room. When he turned the couner, Orochimaru threw a knife which lodged itself in Shikamaru's stomach. Shikamaru backed into the wall and slid down it.

"Sorry, Father," he said, his voice shaking. "I tried. I tried."

Orochimaru snickered.

"You must be that little brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago," hissed Orochimaru. "Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me all your life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvelous."

Sakura walked into the honeymoon suite and sat down at the little table in the corner. She pulled a box closer to her and opened it to reveal a silver dagger. She lifted it out of the box and stared at it sadly, regretting that she would never see Naruto again. Crying gently, Sakura rested the point of the blade on her chest.

"There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world," said a voice. "It would be a pity to damage yours."

Sakura turned suddenly to see Naruto laying on the bed, watching her.

"Naruto!" she cried happily. She ran over to him. "Oh Naruto darling!" She climbed over to him and kissed every inch of him she could reach. He did the same as best as he could in his present condition. He still couldn't move very well.

"Naruto, why won't you hold me?" she asked, still kissing him.

"Gently," he muttered.

"At a time like this, that's all you can think to say?" she asked. "Gently?" She lifted his head.

"Gently!" he cried more urgently, his eyes wide. Sakura dropped his head in shock. It slammed against the headboard with an audible "thunk".

"Ow," he said.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Shikamaru pulled the knife out of his gut. Orochimaru frowned.

"Good heavens," he said. "Are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday."

Shikamaru held the wound with his hand and stood up. Orochimaru lunged forward, aiming for the boy's heart, but missed, hitting Shikamaru's shoulder instead. He tried again, but Shikamaru parried this blow and the sword pierced his right arm. Shikamaru pushed himself off the wall.

"Hello. My name is Shikamaru Nara. You killed my father. Prepare to die," he said. He faltered, but stood back up.

"Hello," he muttered, slightly stronger. "My name is Shikamaru Nara. You killed my father. Prepare to die." His voice grew stronger with each step toward the count. Orochimaru was beginning to worry.

"Hello!" Even stronger now. "My name is Shikamaru Nara. You killed my father! Prepare to die!"

"Stop saying that!" bellowed Orochimaru.

"Hello! My name is Shikamaru Nara! You killed my father! Prepare to die!" Shikamaru stabbed the count in the shoulder and once in his right arm. The Count backed away and Shikamaru sliced the sides of his face.

"Offer me money," growled Shikamaru.

"Yes!"

"Power, too, promise me that!"

"All that I have and more! Please!" cried the Count.

"Offer me anything I ask for!"

"Anything you want!" Shikamaru glared and stabbed Orochimaru in the stomach, twisting his sword.

"I want my father back, you son of a bitch," hissed Shikamaru and he pulled his sword out of Orochimaru's stomach and watched as the six-fingered man fell dead. Shikamaru stared at the body for a moment and ran off back up the stairs, his fist covering the wound in his stomach.


	18. To The Pain

The Princess Bride

NaruSaku Style

Chapter 18: To the Pain

Sakura kissed Naruto all over, careful not to jostle him too hard. Sakura recounted all that happened since they'd been separated. Finally, she got to the wedding.

"Oh, Naruto, will you ever forgive me?" she said.

"What hideous sin have you committed lately?" he asked jokingly.

"I got married," she cried. "I didn't want to. It all happened so fast."

"Didn't happen," interrupted Naruto, shaking his head.

"What?"

"Didn't happen," he said again, smiling at her.

"But it did," said Sakura, confused. "I was there. This old man said "man and wife.""

"Did you say "I do"?" he asked.

Sakura paused. "Uh, no. We sort of skipped that part."

"Then you're not married," said Naruto, grinning. "If you didn't say it, you didn't do it. Wouldn't you agree your Highness?" Sakura turned to see Sasuke standing in the doorway, looking very angry, pointing a sword at her and Naruto.

"A technicality that will shortly be remedied," hissed Sasuke. "But first things first. To the death!" He raised his sword.

"No!" cried Naruto. "To the pain!"

Sasuke stopped and thought. "I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase," he said.

"I'll explain," barked Naruto. "and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon."

"That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me," growled Sasuke, glaring at Naruto.

"It won't be the last," hissed Naruto. "To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists, next your nose."

"And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight," said Sasuke in an irritated voice. He charged again.

"I wasn't finished," barked Naruto. Sasuke stopped. "The next thing you will lose will be your left eye, followed by your right."

"And then my ears, I understand, let's get on with it."

"Wrong!" growled Naruto. "Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideous will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever."

Sasuke gulped. "I think you're bluffing," he said in an unnaturally squeaky voice.

"It's possible, pig. I could be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand." Naruto paused. "Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all." And without breaking eye contact with Sasuke, Naruto stood up off the bed and pointed his sword at Sasuke.

"Drop. Your. Sword," he snarled. Sasuke dropped the sword.

"Have a seat," said Naruto, gesturing with his sword to a chair. Sasuke did so. Naruto looked to Sakura. "Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like."

Sakura did so with relish. It was this moment that Shikamaru chose to enter the room.

"Where's Chouji?" he asked.

"I thought he was with you," said Naruto, using the bed for support.

"No," said Shikamaru.

"In that case," began Naruto, but when he went to move forward, he had to grab hold of the bed post. He still couldn't support himself.

"Help him," Shikamaru told Sakura.

"Why does Naruto need helping?" she asked, rushing to her love's side.

"Because he has no strength," answered Shikamaru. Sasuke grinned.

"I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was…" the squeak returned when Shikamaru pressed his sword to Sasuke's throat. "Bluffing."

"Shall I dispatch him for you?" asked Shikamaru, staring at the Prince.

"Thank you, but no," said Naruto. "Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life alone with his cowardice."

"Shikamaru! Shikamaru! Where are you!" Naruto, Sakura and Shikamaru ran to the window to see Chouji standing underneath it with four beautiful white horses. "Oh, there you are. Shikamaru, I saw the Prince's stable, and there they were, for white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady." He looked at Sakura. "Hello, lady!" Sakura waved, grinning. "So I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each other. I guess we just did."

"Chouji, you did something right," said Shikamaru, smiling.

"Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head," called Chouji, grinning.

Naruto helped Sakura onto the window seal and she jumped down. Chouji caught her and she smiled at him. The giant set her down gently and looked up, waiting for the next one he needed to catch. Shikamaru sighed and turned to Naruto.

"You know, it's very strange," he said. "I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with my life."

Naruto grinned. "Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful dread pirate Roberts." And with that Naruto and Shikamaru jumped down, one after the other. The mounted the white horses and rode off, away from the palace and Prince Sasuke. The rode to freedom and as dawn arose, Naruto and Sakura knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other…

i "What? What?" cried the girl, angry that her father chose now to stop.

"Naw, it's kissing again, you don't want to hear that," he said, closing the book. The girl stopped him.

"Well, I don't mind so much," she said.

"Okay." The father opened the book and resumed reading. "Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The end."

The little blonde girl smiled at her father.

"Now, I think you oughta go to sleep," he said, returning her grin.

"Okay," she said, slightly upset. Her father got up and gathered his tray from the lunch they had earlier. Before he made it to the door, the girl spoke.

"Daddy," she said. "Maybe you could read it again to me tomorrow?"

Her father turned around and looked at his daughter. He smiled.

"As you wish."

The End


End file.
